The President of JNCO Jeans Issues A Statement Before Shutting Down The Company
First off let me just say, I hear you loud and clear, alright? I’ve heard it all a million times. From everyone. From advisors, from business partners, from potential investors, from low-level company interns: “Our jeans are too big.” I have kept quiet about these concerns, but maybe it’s time to issue an official statement regarding them and make my stance clear: JNC-GO fuck yourself.
You know what I say? I say maybe these fuckin’ jeans ain’t big ENOUGH. You can keep throwing your criticisms my way, about how big jeans won’t stick. About how the fad has can come and gone. I guess when you’re lugging around a fuckin’ set of balls as big as mine you need all the jean space you can get. Sorry if you can’t relate, buddy.
I am shutting down the company. I would rather sell no jeans than sell smaller jeans. If walking around looking like you’re wearing a denim skirt on each leg isn’t cool, then call me a square. You can call me whatever you want, but JNCO will start making smaller jeans as soon as one of you tiny-jeaned weakhearts hijacks the JNCO factory, holds the workers at gunpoint and tells them, “Make the jeans smaller.” But we both know you ain’t got the juice.
I refuse to abandon my own mission statement. When I initially met with our potential investors 15 years ago, my pitch was simple: “Do you guys wanna make some huge jeans or what?”
“How big?” one of them asked.
“Picture the biggest jeans that a person could comfortably wear” I told him.
“Uh… okay…” he said.
“Now triple it. I’m out. Call me.” And I walked out. We began production the next week. It’s all about confidence in those sorts of situations.
I don’t want to make jeans that get smaller with time. I want to make jeans that make your legs look like the base of the Eiffel Tower. Jeans where the bottom of each pant leg is wider than the waistline. Jeans with pockets big enough that you can carry your baby in them.
I want to make jeans so big that you would die from obesity-related illness before you could gain enough weight to fit in them comfortably. I want to make jeans so big that each pair needs its own individual clothing rack in the stores that sell them. Jeans so big that you need a second person to help you fold them, like a bedsheet. Jeans so big that the weight of them could snap a pair of suspenders.
I have this recurring dream, once or twice a week - The sky parts like a set of blinds and God steps down on Earth from the Heavens. I can’t tell you what he looks like. I always forget by the time I wake up. In the dream, people are terrified. Former nonbelievers fall to their knees and apologize and try desperately to explain themselves, millions of them at once. God hushes them with a gentle “shhhh,” and he finally speaks. He tells the entire world that he needs a pair of jeans and that only one person on Earth can make a pair of jeans big enough to fit God himself. He singles me out in the crowd with a point of his figure.
But I guess in real life no one wants what I’m selling anymore. Sales are plummeting and JNCO is finished. I hope you remember the good times - All the good times you spent wearing your JNCOs while you and your friends skated behind the mall or drank a stolen bottle of your dad’s booze in a graveyard. Remember those times.
I guess this is goodbye. Adios, motherfuckers. I’ll burn with you nerds in hell.
[Lucas Gardner is a writer and comedian from New York City. He is on twitter at @Lucas_Gardner]